En Vogue

"I remember how it used to be

You never was this nice, you can't fool me

Now you talkin' like you made a change

The more you talk, the more things sound the same"

(En Vogue, "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)")

Hockey season is almost upon us folks! And unlike in previous years, I am somewhat optimistic about the Blueshirts’ prospects this season. Why you ask? Surely, I have little reason for optimism. After all, this offseason the Rangers signed another underachieving Russian prima donna in Alexander Frolov (also see Nikolai Zherdev) and upgraded (?) their goon factor in Derek Booagard; I guess Donald Brashear was too “soft” and “smart” for their lineup. Additionally, the Rangers have now drafted their 3,455th defensemen. However, of the Rangers’ 3,455 defensemen, Marc Staal (aka “the golden child”) remains unsigned. It appears that Glen Sather is not under any urgency to sign Staal, although he has gone on record as saying that he would match any offer that Staal receives from another team. This is surely a shrewd move by a very astute and calculating businessman. Unless….wait…nope…he’s a moron. How is it possible that a general manager of a professional hockey franchise is willing to let his prize defensemen dangle in purgatory? Maybe Sather is waiting for other teams to drive up the price on Staal so that he could sign him for . . . less money? Oh, right, I forgot that the winning formula for any enterprise is to tie up all your money in a single entity . . . who needs to diversify their portfolio? Certainly not the Rangers. Do En Vogue’s timeless lyrics make sense to you now?

Prediction: The New York Rangers are going to perform much better than expected this year (despite popular belief). I am expecting a strong start, followed by a gradual decline, followed by a slightly above-average second half, followed by floundering into the playoffs, followed by the Stanley Cup!!!!!!! That’s right, I said it! Lord Stanley is coming to the Garden!!!! And as I will sit with the my loving wife and my two bestest friends watching the final seconds wind down in triple overtime of game seven, with the Rangers up 3-2 on the Detroit Red Wings I will shed big, salty tears of joy! I love this team, I love New York, Go Rangers!!!!

And now…your moment of zen (Oh, Hank, stop doing photo shoots with the Olsen twins):

Holy Salary Cap?

Most professional sports institute a salary cap. The cap’s basic function is to ensure parity between teams by limiting the amount of money any one team can spend on its player-personnel. In turn, the cap allows small market teams to compete with the giants for highly sought-after players, thereby lifting the draping black veil off their sad existence (has yet to work for the Islanders; still a veiled mistress sitting shiva for it’s long-departed glory). In short, the salary cap aims to counteract the widely held belief that “right, as the [sports] world goes, is only in question between equals in power, while the strong [teams] do what they can and the [indigent] weak [Islanders] suffer what they must.” (Thucydides, The Peloponnesian War, 5.89.1). Bear with me, there’s a point . . . I’m taking you on a journey.

Last night, in the midst of navigating the murky seas of the Fifth Amendment’s Due Process Clause, I stumbled upon a very interesting bit of sporting information: contrary to popular belief, the National Basketball League does not have a salary cap. I know what you’re thinking. Where did I get this information? Well, from the only credible source I know….Ladies and gentlemen, allow him to re-introduce himself…his name is Hov, Oh, H-to-the-OV, he used to be a legitimate rapper but now he peddles cheesy, self-absorbed noise pollution…Jay-Z. According to Jay-Z, “Me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jesus payin’ LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade.”

Ok, so let me get this straight. Brandon Dubinsky skipped training camp, holding out in lieu of contract negotiations, only to squeeze out approx. $1.5 million, and Jesus H. Christ is paying Lebron James? What kind of crazy contractual loophole is this? Do Jesus’ payments not count against the salary cap? I mean, sure, who’s going to argue with him, but for his-sake, that’s totally unfair. Incidentally, the New York Knicks are currently negotiating with Jesus for Lebron’s rights, but Jesus refuses to return Donny Walsh’s phone calls on account of trying hard to avoid communications with the King of the Golgotha Shit Demons.

My proposal: The New York Rangers hire Moses. To be sure, Moses probably doesn’t have a lot of money; not much use for it in the Sinai, probably could have used a compass though, I digress. Ok, Sather hires Moses as a “team consultant”àMoses gets a corner office, parking space, food vouchers to Delmonicos, and Hank’s tight designer jeans. Furthermore, Moses attends every Rangers game, melts the ice and splits it whenever the opposing team is on the offensive. Unfair advantage? Is it more unfair than Lebron’s Jesus-Money? Not all. In fact, like the salary cap, it may help level the playing field. To be sure, Moses melting the ice could backfire; for example, when the Rangers play the Penguins. It’ll totally play to Sidney Crosby’s strengths…I mean, he’s already the best diver in the league, imagine what he could down with a pool full of water. The Rangers will be on a 60-minute penalty kill as Sid the Kid continuously performs 1-meter inward twisting 360-degree tuck dives with…ooh, his knees were bent…that’s going to cost him the gold.

Sober Up Blueshirts

“Success . . . does nothing to diminish the knowledge that failure stalks everything you do.”

Michael Chabon

Manhood For Amateurs

The Sharks were not better than us, they were simply more humble.

What's To Be Excited About?

On September 15, 2009, the Rangers will take the ice for their first pre-season game, marking the official start of Rangers Hockey 2009-2010. Normally, I would be filled with excitement, enthusiasm, and, of course, a deluded sense of optimism. However, for the first time sixteen years, I do not feel excited, enthusiastic, optimistic, pessimistic, angry, frustrated, jubilant, disappointed, etc. In short, I feel nothing for this team, good or bad. Why? I have several theories. Here goes:

1. “Precedent”:

a. Rule: “A decided case that furnishes a basis for determining later cases involving similar facts or issues.” Black’s Law Dictionary 1195 (7th ed. 1999).

b. Application: Rangers Seasons 1995-1996 to 2008-2009 are “decided case[s] that furnish a basis for determining [the outcome of Rangers Season 2009-2010, which involves] similar facts or issues.”

i. Similar facts: Foolish offseason acquisition of “superstar” players who fail to live up to their promised potential: Theo Fleury, Eric Lindros, Alex Kovalev (it’s not you’re fault L’osha, kick ass in Ottawa), Jaromir Jagr, Martin Rucinsky, Bobby Holik (I’m speechless still), Scott Gomez (will have career year in Montreal, mark my words, and remember where you heard it), Chris Drury (yes, Chris Drury), Wade Redden (shocker he hasn’t worked out), Donald Brashear (Colton Orr= same toughness, younger, and cheaper. Really, Sather? Really?)), Marion Gaborik (trust me).

ii. Similar Issues: Weak defense, no offense, incompetent administration, over-priced beer, the Devils, the Penguins, the Capitals, the Hurricanes, the Blackhawks, the Red Wings.

iii. Prediction: Mediocre season capped by a first round playoff exit. What’s to be excited about?

2. The Draft:

The Rangers have been one of the worst drafting teams during the past fifteen years. I could list a few prominent busts, but I think Hugh Jessiman and Manny Malholtra should suffice. To be sure, the Rangers have had some drafting success in recent years. However, they stubbornly refuse to make room on their roster for these kids. Basically, dump Redden and call up Sanguinetti. In this year’s draft, the Rangers picked up Chris Kreider with the 19th overall pick. Gord Clark, the Rangers director of player personnel, described Kreider as “the fastest kid in the draft; he has Alexander Mogilny speed….this is an elite, elite, athlete, physically and mentally. He’s so fast.” Ok, so the kid is fast. As an aside, I saw Alex Mogilny at Baku once (the old one, not the Palace), and I mistook him for Sergei Brylin (and then I found a million dollars, bad story, I know). Anyway, more on Kreider… Writes Hockey News, “Entering his freshman year at Boston College…..” Wait. Freshman year? College? Holy shit, I’ll be 60 before I see this kid play? They might as well draft unborn Ezekiel (Zeek) Katsenhagen-WolfenKats-Nelsonhagen (will wear a parachute as jersey so that his entire name fits) and unborn Samantha Portman Gindin (1st woman in NHL, mark my words)!

a. Word of Caution: The Rangers signed the highly sought after Hobey Baker Winner (best player in college hockey), Matt Gilroy, to a professional contract this summer. Rumor has it that he’s the next big thing since sliced meatloaf. However, several years ago, the Rangers signed, and gave up on, Mike Mottau, another Hobey Baker winner. Mike Mottau was one of the Devils’ primary defensemen last season. So, Torts, Sather, Dolan…let Gilroy play and don’t prematurely throw in the towel, huh?

So, let’s get this show on the road…. I guess.

Does Misery Really Love Company?

New York features three professional hockey franchises: Sabres, Rangers, and Dear God Please Build a New Arena in Long Island. Two of these three teams employee the absolute worst general managers in professional sports. Glen Sather "mans the helm" (or, "persons the helm" for my vast feminist constituency) in Manhattan, and Garth Snow has reverted back to polytheism because no single god can save the debacle in Nassau County.

Today, Garth Snow announced that the Islanders agreed to terms with goalie Marty Biron. Last season, Biron played with the Flyers and led them to the eastern conference finals. Pretty good. When asked to comment on Biron's signing, Snow stated, "Adding Marty gives us three bona fide No. 1 goalies. We learned about the importance of stability in our lineup from last year and he now allows us to have another quality starter." Pop Quiz: What part of Snow's comment made me collapse on the floor, regain consciousness, and laugh uncontrollably?

Yep, you guessed it, it's the "three bona fide No. 1 goalies" line. Are you kidding me? Don't you have Rick "I Really Deserve My Salary...oh man, I can't say that with a straight face" DePietro? And what about the second goalie whose name I don't know and don't want to look up? Or, wait a tick! Is the second goalie...Garth Snow?!? Yes, he used to be a No. 1 goalie, but that is before he retired, attended business school, obtained years of managerial experience and was hired to manage the worst team in hockey.

But before Snow becomes the laughing stock of the NHL (if he isn't already), perhaps he's developed some brilliant plan. Maybe, just maybe, he plans to play all three goalies every game?!? No, not a different goalie each period, but all three at the same time. Think about it, three goalies in full padding blocking the net. They'd be impenetrable. The Islanders can fill the rest of the line up with players from the Great Neck Persian Predators Pee Wee hockey league. This way, they save on salary and may get a goal or two, which is all they would need with three goalies.

Wait. With three paid goalies and eighteen unpaid Persian pee wee hockey forwards, the Islanders will generate vast profits (and free carpeting)...allowing them to build a new arena...attract more fans....and save hockey on Long Island. Diabolical!!!! Snow is an Evil Genius!

But seriously. Does Misery Really Love Company? Of Course Not! I find no solace in the fact that the Snow makes slightly more terrible decisions than Sather. Both guys suck...both teams suck...Let's Go Rangers!

Rangers Unload Gomez

And they said it couldn't be done folks! For the first time in the history of New York professional sports, a team actually manages to trade away an over-payed and under-achieving disaster. Now, I know what you're thinking. V, how hard is it to get rid of a 5'8'' forward who cannot score? Well, apparently not that hard. So who's the lucky bride? None other than the Montreal Canadians. Ah, Montreal! Home of Molson beer, syphilis, and the Napoleonic complex. But before we stoplaughing at the Canadians (eh), we must remember that the team single-handedly resurrected Alex Kovalev's career (who couldn't score for to save his life for the Broadway Blueshirts)

As for the Rangers, what can I say? They received three former first-round draft picks and a few Celine Dion records (retail price: are you kidding me dollars). For those of us who are not well acquainted with the draft, or rather the young prospects process, let me clue you in. A team that is willing to give up 2002, 2006, and 2007 first-round picks (the best round) for a player on the down side of his career making $6.25 million/year (mind bottling salary for the NHL), has likley given up on those prospects. And by given up, I mean they either suck right now, or have no alternative but to suck in the future. I'm speechless. Let us go Rangers!

Bud light salutes...Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise. "They say in that in the business world there are no sure bets. Well, not for you Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise. It is an absolute certainty that with your BA in sports-R-cool, no managerial experience, and total lack of common sense, you will take us all down into the bottomless pit of mediocrity. Indeed, managing a professional sports franchise is, like, really, really hard. But not for someone with unlimited resources and a crushing case of illiteracy. They say that those who cannot play the game, manage it...and those who cannot manage it...manage the New York Knicks and New York Rangers. So here's to you Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise...for without you...we would be LEGENDARY."

Chorus: Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchiiiiiiiiiissssseeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!