Most professional sports institute a salary cap. The cap’s basic function is to ensure parity between teams by limiting the amount of money any one team can spend on its player-personnel. In turn, the cap allows small market teams to compete with the giants for highly sought-after players, thereby lifting the draping black veil off their sad existence (has yet to work for the Islanders; still a veiled mistress sitting shiva for it’s long-departed glory). In short, the salary cap aims to counteract the widely held belief that “right, as the [sports] world goes, is only in question between equals in power, while the strong [teams] do what they can and the [indigent] weak [Islanders] suffer what they must.” (Thucydides, The Peloponnesian War, 5.89.1). Bear with me, there’s a point . . . I’m taking you on a journey.
Last night, in the midst of navigating the murky seas of the Fifth Amendment’s Due Process Clause, I stumbled upon a very interesting bit of sporting information: contrary to popular belief, the National Basketball League does not have a salary cap. I know what you’re thinking. Where did I get this information? Well, from the only credible source I know….Ladies and gentlemen, allow him to re-introduce himself…his name is Hov, Oh, H-to-the-OV, he used to be a legitimate rapper but now he peddles cheesy, self-absorbed noise pollution…Jay-Z. According to Jay-Z, “Me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jesus payin’ LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade.”
Ok, so let me get this straight. Brandon Dubinsky skipped training camp, holding out in lieu of contract negotiations, only to squeeze out approx. $1.5 million, and Jesus H. Christ is paying Lebron James? What kind of crazy contractual loophole is this? Do Jesus’ payments not count against the salary cap? I mean, sure, who’s going to argue with him, but for his-sake, that’s totally unfair. Incidentally, the New York Knicks are currently negotiating with Jesus for Lebron’s rights, but Jesus refuses to return Donny Walsh’s phone calls on account of trying hard to avoid communications with the King of the Golgotha Shit Demons.
My proposal: The New York Rangers hire Moses. To be sure, Moses probably doesn’t have a lot of money; not much use for it in the Sinai, probably could have used a compass though, I digress. Ok, Sather hires Moses as a “team consultant”àMoses gets a corner office, parking space, food vouchers to Delmonicos, and Hank’s tight designer jeans. Furthermore, Moses attends every Rangers game, melts the ice and splits it whenever the opposing team is on the offensive. Unfair advantage? Is it more unfair than Lebron’s Jesus-Money? Not all. In fact, like the salary cap, it may help level the playing field. To be sure, Moses melting the ice could backfire; for example, when the Rangers play the Penguins. It’ll totally play to Sidney Crosby’s strengths…I mean, he’s already the best diver in the league, imagine what he could down with a pool full of water. The Rangers will be on a 60-minute penalty kill as Sid the Kid continuously performs 1-meter inward twisting 360-degree tuck dives with…ooh, his knees were bent…that’s going to cost him the gold.
