What's To Be Excited About?

On September 15, 2009, the Rangers will take the ice for their first pre-season game, marking the official start of Rangers Hockey 2009-2010. Normally, I would be filled with excitement, enthusiasm, and, of course, a deluded sense of optimism. However, for the first time sixteen years, I do not feel excited, enthusiastic, optimistic, pessimistic, angry, frustrated, jubilant, disappointed, etc. In short, I feel nothing for this team, good or bad. Why? I have several theories. Here goes:

1. “Precedent”:

a. Rule: “A decided case that furnishes a basis for determining later cases involving similar facts or issues.” Black’s Law Dictionary 1195 (7th ed. 1999).

b. Application: Rangers Seasons 1995-1996 to 2008-2009 are “decided case[s] that furnish a basis for determining [the outcome of Rangers Season 2009-2010, which involves] similar facts or issues.”

i. Similar facts: Foolish offseason acquisition of “superstar” players who fail to live up to their promised potential: Theo Fleury, Eric Lindros, Alex Kovalev (it’s not you’re fault L’osha, kick ass in Ottawa), Jaromir Jagr, Martin Rucinsky, Bobby Holik (I’m speechless still), Scott Gomez (will have career year in Montreal, mark my words, and remember where you heard it), Chris Drury (yes, Chris Drury), Wade Redden (shocker he hasn’t worked out), Donald Brashear (Colton Orr= same toughness, younger, and cheaper. Really, Sather? Really?)), Marion Gaborik (trust me).

ii. Similar Issues: Weak defense, no offense, incompetent administration, over-priced beer, the Devils, the Penguins, the Capitals, the Hurricanes, the Blackhawks, the Red Wings.

iii. Prediction: Mediocre season capped by a first round playoff exit. What’s to be excited about?

2. The Draft:

The Rangers have been one of the worst drafting teams during the past fifteen years. I could list a few prominent busts, but I think Hugh Jessiman and Manny Malholtra should suffice. To be sure, the Rangers have had some drafting success in recent years. However, they stubbornly refuse to make room on their roster for these kids. Basically, dump Redden and call up Sanguinetti. In this year’s draft, the Rangers picked up Chris Kreider with the 19th overall pick. Gord Clark, the Rangers director of player personnel, described Kreider as “the fastest kid in the draft; he has Alexander Mogilny speed….this is an elite, elite, athlete, physically and mentally. He’s so fast.” Ok, so the kid is fast. As an aside, I saw Alex Mogilny at Baku once (the old one, not the Palace), and I mistook him for Sergei Brylin (and then I found a million dollars, bad story, I know). Anyway, more on Kreider… Writes Hockey News, “Entering his freshman year at Boston College…..” Wait. Freshman year? College? Holy shit, I’ll be 60 before I see this kid play? They might as well draft unborn Ezekiel (Zeek) Katsenhagen-WolfenKats-Nelsonhagen (will wear a parachute as jersey so that his entire name fits) and unborn Samantha Portman Gindin (1st woman in NHL, mark my words)!

a. Word of Caution: The Rangers signed the highly sought after Hobey Baker Winner (best player in college hockey), Matt Gilroy, to a professional contract this summer. Rumor has it that he’s the next big thing since sliced meatloaf. However, several years ago, the Rangers signed, and gave up on, Mike Mottau, another Hobey Baker winner. Mike Mottau was one of the Devils’ primary defensemen last season. So, Torts, Sather, Dolan…let Gilroy play and don’t prematurely throw in the towel, huh?

So, let’s get this show on the road…. I guess.

Does Misery Really Love Company?

New York features three professional hockey franchises: Sabres, Rangers, and Dear God Please Build a New Arena in Long Island. Two of these three teams employee the absolute worst general managers in professional sports. Glen Sather "mans the helm" (or, "persons the helm" for my vast feminist constituency) in Manhattan, and Garth Snow has reverted back to polytheism because no single god can save the debacle in Nassau County.

Today, Garth Snow announced that the Islanders agreed to terms with goalie Marty Biron. Last season, Biron played with the Flyers and led them to the eastern conference finals. Pretty good. When asked to comment on Biron's signing, Snow stated, "Adding Marty gives us three bona fide No. 1 goalies. We learned about the importance of stability in our lineup from last year and he now allows us to have another quality starter." Pop Quiz: What part of Snow's comment made me collapse on the floor, regain consciousness, and laugh uncontrollably?

Yep, you guessed it, it's the "three bona fide No. 1 goalies" line. Are you kidding me? Don't you have Rick "I Really Deserve My Salary...oh man, I can't say that with a straight face" DePietro? And what about the second goalie whose name I don't know and don't want to look up? Or, wait a tick! Is the second goalie...Garth Snow?!? Yes, he used to be a No. 1 goalie, but that is before he retired, attended business school, obtained years of managerial experience and was hired to manage the worst team in hockey.

But before Snow becomes the laughing stock of the NHL (if he isn't already), perhaps he's developed some brilliant plan. Maybe, just maybe, he plans to play all three goalies every game?!? No, not a different goalie each period, but all three at the same time. Think about it, three goalies in full padding blocking the net. They'd be impenetrable. The Islanders can fill the rest of the line up with players from the Great Neck Persian Predators Pee Wee hockey league. This way, they save on salary and may get a goal or two, which is all they would need with three goalies.

Wait. With three paid goalies and eighteen unpaid Persian pee wee hockey forwards, the Islanders will generate vast profits (and free carpeting)...allowing them to build a new arena...attract more fans....and save hockey on Long Island. Diabolical!!!! Snow is an Evil Genius!

But seriously. Does Misery Really Love Company? Of Course Not! I find no solace in the fact that the Snow makes slightly more terrible decisions than Sather. Both guys suck...both teams suck...Let's Go Rangers!

Rangers Unload Gomez

And they said it couldn't be done folks! For the first time in the history of New York professional sports, a team actually manages to trade away an over-payed and under-achieving disaster. Now, I know what you're thinking. V, how hard is it to get rid of a 5'8'' forward who cannot score? Well, apparently not that hard. So who's the lucky bride? None other than the Montreal Canadians. Ah, Montreal! Home of Molson beer, syphilis, and the Napoleonic complex. But before we stoplaughing at the Canadians (eh), we must remember that the team single-handedly resurrected Alex Kovalev's career (who couldn't score for to save his life for the Broadway Blueshirts)

As for the Rangers, what can I say? They received three former first-round draft picks and a few Celine Dion records (retail price: are you kidding me dollars). For those of us who are not well acquainted with the draft, or rather the young prospects process, let me clue you in. A team that is willing to give up 2002, 2006, and 2007 first-round picks (the best round) for a player on the down side of his career making $6.25 million/year (mind bottling salary for the NHL), has likley given up on those prospects. And by given up, I mean they either suck right now, or have no alternative but to suck in the future. I'm speechless. Let us go Rangers!

Bud light salutes...Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise. "They say in that in the business world there are no sure bets. Well, not for you Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise. It is an absolute certainty that with your BA in sports-R-cool, no managerial experience, and total lack of common sense, you will take us all down into the bottomless pit of mediocrity. Indeed, managing a professional sports franchise is, like, really, really hard. But not for someone with unlimited resources and a crushing case of illiteracy. They say that those who cannot play the game, manage it...and those who cannot manage it...manage the New York Knicks and New York Rangers. So here's to you Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchise...for without you...we would be LEGENDARY."

Chorus: Mr. Cablevision-employed General Manager of a Professional Sports Franchiiiiiiiiiissssseeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!